you're a gem

Source: orangeis via kidswithhats
baby: d-d-d..
dad: daddy? are you trying to say daddy?
baby: D I C K S Q U A D
Source: vapor-man via kidswithhats
Source: wildluna via fantasizingfunerals
Source: senyahearts via phoebewrites
Source: born-t0-lose via tauutouu


do dogs think in barks

Source: jesuschristvevo via bastille


i’m still pissed off about growing up

Source: hex-girlfriend via gnarly
Source: abscence-of-joy via fuck-ing-hell



does anybody else think tired and sleepy mean two totally different things

sleepy is cute and dozing off and happy but tired is 10 cups of coffee and murder

Source: bingeeaterghoul via jasfuckinq


last night i dreamt i was at a baseball game and i was on the kiss-cam next to this cute boy with his family and everyone was cheering us on and the guy smiled at me and i smiled back and then i leaned over and kissed his sister instead and the stadium went completely silent before the announcer said “well that was certainly a curveball” and i laughed so hard i woke myself up

Source: owlmylove via surprisebitch




Friendly reminder that yesterday when my mom took me to Walmart she left me alone in the toilet paper section and this guy started hitting on me and I said “Sorry, I’m a lesbian.” and he was like “Oh my god I’m so sorry I thought you were a boy.”

Soda just spewed out my nose


Source: mintyboob via crrocs


I’ve decided I want to be cremated. Not when I die, just whenever. Surprise me.

Source: internetmessiah via phobias



There’s this asshole who every time he sees me with my ukulele he thinks he’s funny and asks “Can you play any Metallica?” but the joke is now on him because I just learned how to play the intro riff to Master of Puppets.

I did it. I fucking did it. He asked me again just like I knew he would and I stared him straight in the eyes without blinking and just fucking shredded on my ukulele

Source: meidosuji via party-in-the-morgue
Source: my-heart-doesnt-beat--it-wobbles via starving-for-starvation